Who Am I?

   This is kind of nice out here in the wilds of Blogger, where no one comes to interact with me or seems to care at all. I'm just a sad fuck most days it seems with a lovely veneer of happiness to keep the questions at bay. Poor me issues? Most likely.

   I really want to rant about my sister seemingly snubbing me because I couldn't afford to go to my mother’s 80th birthday party. My sister rented a nice house near some gorgeous rivers and stream near Sarasota, I think. But I didn't have the money for my partner and I to go. I think that was one of the issues. I wanted my partner to go if I was going. And I pointed out I couldn't even afford to go see my kids back in Utah. I felt a shift when I brought that one up. Maybe I'm just being crazy. That's possible.

   So, it upset me because I couldn't go. I couldn't afford it because we are shit with my income alone right now. My partner was working but honestly it was a real shit job, and she was miserable. She's looking but damn, there isn't a lot to find for work in a small Ohio town.

   So, I feel a lot of pressure. I feel like I did when I sold my house and was going to just buy an RV and drive around for a year. Instead, because I feared being alone and felt a lot of guilt for forcing it all on my partner, when she suggested we buy some land here because it was cheap and we could raise goats, well, I jumped at it. And it all went to shit.

   It's not all bad. I found a great job. We rent a nice place with room for goats. But money, money is still my nemesis. I do try to get bills paid but I also try to please my partner a lot when I should say, "No". But she is dependent on me completely. And don't get me wrong, I love her. I just need that break I was looking for back in the summer of 2020.

   I nearly killed myself. It's a thought I have a lot. Scary. It really is. Because I feel so trapped and everything is so tenuous. I'm just trying to get my head above water emotionally and financially. The damn struggle is too real. I do long to just put everything in storage or sell it off. Then I could just drive and drive. Explore and not worry. Oh wait. I'm totally in debt and going on 56. Yeah, this is going to be fun.

I have so much more to say and vent. Maybe next time.