Another one, and maybe it's paranoia, but feeling like I'm judged by folks whom I love and care about yet I feel that they don't understand or can't. It's a dark feeling when you consider that the unconditional love you think should occur is tainted by said judgements. I know there are plenty of friends and family that care deeply and don't judge like that. I have been going over my life carefully. There are some ugly moments that are all mine.
There are many moments that shaped my world view and built some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can see my own constant struggle to understand why I'm this way. One of these is the need to understand others and the way they are as I hope others do for me. I accept my issues and my mistakes. For how terribly I have been treated I still look for why those people act as they did or do. I can see the traumas that built them as I can see my own. I feel for them though some of them hurt me deeper than I can sometimes handle.
All I want is peace and security like we all do. I have struggled for a long time. I want to succeed but feel like there is a mental wall in doing so. I have worked harder on getting past that than I ever have. The irony in that is the car accident where we miraculously survived virtually unscathed gave me a huge boost in being grateful. But the PTSD of it has been another stumbling block in my over all mental health.
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