Lost

Oct 31, 2022 

    So I'm feeling like Ohio was a failure in some aspects. I love the countryside here and the clean air. The weather seems way more mellow than SLC. But we came here to raise goats and have a goat farm. We gave ourselves two years. Times up and it's costing money and not making money at all. I do like the goats but I don't see how we can keep having goats we can't afford or have the time or wherewithal to take care of them as well as we should. 

    I sold the house and was going to give my partner money to make a new start for herself. I was going to buy a camper I could live out of. I had asked her to go with me but she didn't want that. She came up with the idea of moving and raising goats. I thought okay, we can try. But it's not working in my opinion.

    I think I should have stuck to my original plan. I was feeling broken and needed a good long break from bill, jobs, and all the trappings contained with all that. I wanted to camp and stare at the stars. I wanted to really reset and to truly find myself. I think I jumped at the chance to NOT do that because it was also a pretty scary commitment. But so was this move. And more so.

    I needed a chance to really take care of myself and not feel like I was in constant worry about another person. Not for lack of love or caring but I just seem to be running out of energy for that. That's not my partner's fault. It's mine. And I have tried. But here I am again feeling like this is all too much. Too many goats, too many cats, and the main financial burden to carry it all. I wanted away from all that but threw myself into that very same role but even worse than before.

    I just don't think I can be strong enough without breaking down soon. I don't feel suicidal like I used to because of medication and counseling. But I don't feel like I can carry this burden any more, And that's the sad part. It feels like a burden. It's not a labor of love. I have suggested several time that we let go of most of the goats and not spend the $200 on renting the pasture....

    I can on and on about how I feel. But frankly I just feel lost again. But it's different. I know I'm lost and I know I need to make changes to find myself. But those changes seem selfish. Yet I don't see a way around it. I see a bunch of maybes that are the same ones as before. And in my opinion, they all look bleak. I'm only seeing hope in living alone, paying off bills and then traveling as often as I can. First to see my children and grandson. I miss them but I DON'T want to move back to Utah.

EDIT: Jan 1, 2023

    Yeah, I still feel lost but I'm not as stressed as I was that day. I need financial relief. I need to feel like I'm the only buttress holding all this up. Is that selfish? I don't feel it is. I know what I need. I'm just trying to find a way to ease the financial strain.