Wood Blocks

Hoping to share some spoken word

Timid Fury

Everything feels very weighted today. This is a part of my MDD. Yes, I'm struggling. Upside; I have incredible people in my life. The tough things are being hard on myself, difficulty with project focus, and trying to find employment and build on our business at the same time.

Another one, and maybe it's paranoia, but feeling like I'm judged by folks whom I love and care about yet I feel that they don't understand or can't. It's a dark feeling when you consider that the unconditional love you think should occur is tainted by said judgements. I know there are plenty of friends and family that care deeply and don't judge like that. I have been going over my life carefully. There are some ugly moments that are all mine.

There are many moments that shaped my world view and built some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can see my own constant struggle to understand why I'm this way. One of these is the need to understand others and the way they are as I hope others do for me. I accept my issues and my mistakes. For how terribly I have been treated I still look for why those people act as they did or do. I can see the traumas that built them as I can see my own. I feel for them though some of them hurt me deeper than I can sometimes handle.

All I want is peace and security like we all do. I have struggled for a long time. I want to succeed but feel like there is a mental wall in doing so. I have worked harder on getting past that than I ever have. The irony in that is the car accident where we miraculously survived virtually unscathed gave me a huge boost in being grateful. But the PTSD of it has been another stumbling block in my over all mental health.

Clouds and Rainbows

 

    Believe it or not but there is a lovely rainbow in that picture. I've been a lot like that picture, kind of gray, overcast, but life and beauty are there if you look closer. I have been laid off from my job, and not really sure why. It was just really sudden in some ways. I did have a rough month in June emotionally. I was falling apart with depression and stress. Always the damn money freaking me out. 

    One day I was about to finish work from home and my manager reminded me I wasn't allowed to anymore. Was it because I was a bad working from home? Nope. I had one online software testing session with the owner and a co-worker. My first issue was a silly audio issue I got past quickly. Then he noticed the delay in my speech. I'm on a satellite internet service because it's all I can get. I've been using it for WFH for a long time. Well, I guess he didn't like it, spoke to my manager. And then was told I couldn't WFH anymore. Though there had never been an issue in the past.

    Ok, so when my manager reminded me I was already so tense and upset, I yelled at him. Yeah. NOT so good. He looked extremely taken aback. I stopped, back away to my desk muttering. Sighed, and went the fifteen feet down the hallway and apologized. I felt terrible. I let him know I'd stay there of course and apologized again and again. Gah. It was awful. I really like him and I think I broke it all at that moment. He immediately went to HR and told her about it. There was a talking too about it and I was struggling holding my cool.

   Then they said I needed to improve some things. It was one of the most innocuous list of things I had ever seen come my way. Things like "use more concise language" as I can get long winded, use a more professional tone because I was "too friendly" to a couple of users as in I joked and more casual because we got along, and check and fix a few tickets that needed more info. So the next morning I did them all and I thought it was all going pretty well. He and I were supposed to have a meeting a month later that he canceled because he was pretty busy at the scheduled time. No big deal. I figured if there was something important, he'd let me know.

     A couple weeks pass and things seemed to be going well with work though in my personal life I was about to cut and run because of my financial issues. I thought I would do better on my own, I wasn't trusting my partner, but I also wasn't expressing my feelings about it so they festered into the "RUN!" phase. She and I worked it out over that weekend though and happily so. So all was so much better! Then I went to work on Monday, the 14th.

    HR sent me a meeting request. I had been having a very productive morning. Mentioned an idea I had to the owner while we both got coffee. He acted a little off but, I didn't think much of it. So, the meeting request. I sent her a message asking what it was about. Odd to have it at 4 PM I thought. She would not tell me why at all. I got a bit suspicious about it. My manager was also acting odd, like when I went to talk about something and he was kind of brief and dismissive. As the day wore on I got more negative vibes but kept telling myself it was me just "storytelling" to myself and that I really didn't know. I did.

    So at just a couple minutes before the 4 PM meeting start I wandered down and saw the COO sitting with HR in the conference room. I did truly thought they were meeting about something else and walked on by, checking to see about my manager. His door was closed so I started to walk back up the hall. The COO told me we were meeting there in the conference room and to close the door. DOOM. I have never been fired from a job. I was told I was being let go but without explanation. I asked about the past incident. I asked about the work performance. I asked WHY? The COO, said they'd tell me later. I was upset, like crying upset. And I said that they had to tell me. He answered pretty hotly, "No, we DON'T."

    It was so surreal. I sat there bewildered. What was happening? I almost left because I didn't want to freak. But I kind of walked back to the table just, crushed? They gave me a run down of severance and that this would be a mutual thing, so I wasn't being "fired". OK. That's weird. I told them about how I had been thinking, because of things in my personal life, about giving a month notice to move back to Utah. I told them how I had worked things out and had come in with a whole new fresh attitude to move forward there. They both actually looked a little shocked and pained when I said that. Oh well.

    I went and made sure I cleaned up my files and such on my systems. Got my few belongings. Gave my badge and keys to the COO who was kind of hovering out in the hall. Told him they could keep my little weather station. Told him I was going to miss them even. And I left. I cried a couple times on the way home. I bawled on the front porch telling my partner about it all and how confused I was. It was a pretty rough day, right?

    Then I just felt a huge relief. My partner and I decided to start up the online store she wanted to do for a long time. I'd be a 50% partner. Creative input. Making things to sell too. And seriously I have been so happy ever since. We'll have the online store open very soon. I have been thriving working on things for it. I think it was just time to make a change and here's to making rainbows on cloudy days.

Lost

Oct 31, 2022 

    So I'm feeling like Ohio was a failure in some aspects. I love the countryside here and the clean air. The weather seems way more mellow than SLC. But we came here to raise goats and have a goat farm. We gave ourselves two years. Times up and it's costing money and not making money at all. I do like the goats but I don't see how we can keep having goats we can't afford or have the time or wherewithal to take care of them as well as we should. 

    I sold the house and was going to give my partner money to make a new start for herself. I was going to buy a camper I could live out of. I had asked her to go with me but she didn't want that. She came up with the idea of moving and raising goats. I thought okay, we can try. But it's not working in my opinion.

    I think I should have stuck to my original plan. I was feeling broken and needed a good long break from bill, jobs, and all the trappings contained with all that. I wanted to camp and stare at the stars. I wanted to really reset and to truly find myself. I think I jumped at the chance to NOT do that because it was also a pretty scary commitment. But so was this move. And more so.

    I needed a chance to really take care of myself and not feel like I was in constant worry about another person. Not for lack of love or caring but I just seem to be running out of energy for that. That's not my partner's fault. It's mine. And I have tried. But here I am again feeling like this is all too much. Too many goats, too many cats, and the main financial burden to carry it all. I wanted away from all that but threw myself into that very same role but even worse than before.

    I just don't think I can be strong enough without breaking down soon. I don't feel suicidal like I used to because of medication and counseling. But I don't feel like I can carry this burden any more, And that's the sad part. It feels like a burden. It's not a labor of love. I have suggested several time that we let go of most of the goats and not spend the $200 on renting the pasture....

    I can on and on about how I feel. But frankly I just feel lost again. But it's different. I know I'm lost and I know I need to make changes to find myself. But those changes seem selfish. Yet I don't see a way around it. I see a bunch of maybes that are the same ones as before. And in my opinion, they all look bleak. I'm only seeing hope in living alone, paying off bills and then traveling as often as I can. First to see my children and grandson. I miss them but I DON'T want to move back to Utah.

EDIT: Jan 1, 2023

    Yeah, I still feel lost but I'm not as stressed as I was that day. I need financial relief. I need to feel like I'm the only buttress holding all this up. Is that selfish? I don't feel it is. I know what I need. I'm just trying to find a way to ease the financial strain.

Becoming Who I am

    I can’t say I’m having a good time. Nor am I having a horrible time. But I know I’m not feeling like me. Not genuine. And it’s been so damn long that I think I lost myself to the distorted self I made to deal with things in my life. Fitting into a relationship. Fitting into society. A job. Whatever. When was I the happiest? Almost never really. Is that surprising? Happiness was transient always but my expectation for it was its perpetual state that I thought I deserved. Ok, so this is going to be a lot. And it’s going to be tough.

    OK, I’m not imparting blame to my folks here, but the first big damage was the moving. Always with the moving. There was no state of permanence. “Home is where your heart is”? Bullshit. I learned some great skills and “getting along” with strangers and of blending in. But for that I lost my identity. Or should I say, my will to have my own honest identity. If I could express what it feels like to be locked inside yourself, well, you’d all go running and screaming. Okay, that’s what I want to do. 

    I know I like art, music, dance, theater, poetry, sex… yeah sex too. I like to express myself openly. I want to feel free again in my heart and soul like I used to. But, stay in the damn box boy. You can’t do that! You’re too old now. You need a job. You need the security for when you’re too old to work. You can’t go around being a weirdo. I can’t be me. Really me. So I’ll hide in TV and movies. Hide in games. Hide in hiding. I missed my renaissance. I put myself into my own dark ages. I hid this part of myself for so long. 

    The other day I was feeling so much longing to be close to my friends. Some to love and to hold. Some to talk and walk with. I wanted to bare my soul and did to a couple of them. Some of you know that I’m bisexual and that’s putting it lightly. A part of me wants to be a man. Another part wants to be a woman. They exist together, not separately. I want both worlds. I feel like I need them both. I love my female friends so much. I have a few close male friends and only three I feel completely comfortable around. Some just because I don’t know them that well, the rest because their masculinity frightens me.

    How would you feel if you felt scared of how you felt? Terrified that you would be cut off from family and friends. Not everyone. But enough that generally you're fearful of existence. Some of you do. We bear witness to each other silently then.

    When I was sixteen a ran away to California, Hollywood to be exact. Because if you're going to be fucking stupid, you might as well go total stupid. Nothing terrible happened for nearly a week. I had some great adventures and met some very interesting people. But then I was conned by a man pretending to want to help me. Nope. I ended up raped by him and then had to stay with him until my parents came to get me. I'll detail that story some other time.

    So that really set my mind in an odd place. I tried to kill myself about a month or two after I got back home. I was always interested in girls. But I really enjoyed being around my gay friends and found my other male friends difficult to cope with because of the overt masculinity they felt they needed to exert. No fault of their own mind you. Society and hormones got them there. But I didn't feel like that. I felt outside of both groups, men and women. 

    With women I felt comfortable and at ease to have, and talk, about feelings. I was attracted to them as well. Awkward at times to be sure. But I always did my best to stay in the bounds of friendship. I loved intimacy with them. I just wanted to be absorbed and to feel like they did. But the rape made things in my own mind so weird. I pushed for more intimate relations with women. I wanted to see if I was gay or not. I'm still sorting out my feelings from that time.

    So much later on I realized I was bisexual. And on the Kinsey Scale I'm not sure if I'm really in the middle or what. You see, that rape has stopped me cold in my tracks when it comes to my attraction to men. It's there. I fantasize about both men and women. But I want something equal with someone like minded. Someone bisexual who is tender and passionate when it comes to sex. Someone who can touch as they are touched, give pleasure as equally as given. Someone secure and not jealous of gender or sex. Because I think I just need to heal still from my past and never given myself a chance.

    So, who am I? I do know but I don't let myself out like I should. And I really need to. It's really a tough thing to do. But I am getting there. I am making strides further into my own future. Maybe one day I'll get there and it will be as relaxed as I imagine. 

Writing a Screenplay

    I decided that I can't just always sit around and death scroll on my phone in my spare time. So, I decided to start writing out some of my ideas of mine in a more realized form. You know, like a screenplay. And I should blog more. Maybe work a video up to. Poetry? You know, do stuff beside turning my brain to mush.

    So I jotted down a few ideas and one of them really did just kind of jump up at me as the story to start with. I'm not going into it here what it's about, that'll be if I ever get a chance to make it or have someone else give it a go. I just wanted to show myself that in three or so days I could write a short screenplay.

    I decided that I needed a template and went on a search for a free screenwriting app. I found one. It's totally free but you can pay to have it save on a server so you can share it across devices. I'm going to see about actually just using MS Cloud and save the file on a directory. 

**Updates**

    So I pretty much finished the short version of the screen play. Not sure what I'm going to do with it but I am happy I got it put together. I still may make it full length since I have a bit of research in the direction and who knows, maybe it'll be decent.

08/27/2023: I'm kind of unhappy with it but I still like the story. One of these days I really do want to do something more with it.

Vasectomy: Why I needed to take responsibility

    Had a vasectomy awhile back, a bit over a decade ago. When I realized I needed to be way more responsible than I had been the past 40 years. That it was way more important for the woman in my life at the time. I had been scared. Scared of my family dying out or some bullshit like that I told myself. We can all change and grow. 

    Mine wasn't so painless but that's not the point. The point is taking that responsibility. I love all my kids. Deeply. But I know I'm not the best choice for a progenitor. I have some severe issues that made it difficult to be a good parent and I know my children suffered for it.

    So, you want to do the smart thing? Think about if you're ready, really ready to support a family or to grow one. Think about if you're doing a good enough job for yourself, let alone others. Are you prepared when you have sex with someone to take on the responsibility that goes with it?

    I was not smart. I made many poor choices. I'm not stupid but I don't and sometimes can't pay attention well enough to make huge long term commitments. See the fact that I have been married 5 times, been in 3 other long term relationships, and have had 4 children with 4 different women. 

    Each situation stands on its own. I'll never regret my children. I do regret not dealing with my mental health more. I was always trying to create so semblance of a "normal" life. I was always trying to recreate and fix the mistakes of the past. More than just myself suffered.

    When I met my third wife, I fell so deeply in love with her. I felt inspired to be more, do more, and I really did. Things got complicated between us but I was there to find a way to make it work. It started to get better.

    Then our son died of SIDS. We both went off the rails. For myself I tried finding love I thought, but really I was frightened of being alone. I thought I kept having to build a new family each time it broke. But it was me, not them.

    So life is far more complicated than some simple story. It's easy just to judge someone for bad decisions, or bad decisions you perceive.