Becoming Who I am

    I can’t say I’m having a good time. Nor am I having a horrible time. But I know I’m not feeling like me. Not genuine. And it’s been so damn long that I think I lost myself to the distorted self I made to deal with things in my life. Fitting into a relationship. Fitting into society. A job. Whatever. When was I the happiest? Almost never really. Is that surprising? Happiness was transient always but my expectation for it was its perpetual state that I thought I deserved. Ok, so this is going to be a lot. And it’s going to be tough.

    OK, I’m not imparting blame to my folks here, but the first big damage was the moving. Always with the moving. There was no state of permanence. “Home is where your heart is”? Bullshit. I learned some great skills and “getting along” with strangers and of blending in. But for that I lost my identity. Or should I say, my will to have my own honest identity. If I could express what it feels like to be locked inside yourself, well, you’d all go running and screaming. Okay, that’s what I want to do. 

    I know I like art, music, dance, theater, poetry, sex… yeah sex too. I like to express myself openly. I want to feel free again in my heart and soul like I used to. But, stay in the damn box boy. You can’t do that! You’re too old now. You need a job. You need the security for when you’re too old to work. You can’t go around being a weirdo. I can’t be me. Really me. So I’ll hide in TV and movies. Hide in games. Hide in hiding. I missed my renaissance. I put myself into my own dark ages. I hid this part of myself for so long. 

    The other day I was feeling so much longing to be close to my friends. Some to love and to hold. Some to talk and walk with. I wanted to bare my soul and did to a couple of them. Some of you know that I’m bisexual and that’s putting it lightly. A part of me wants to be a man. Another part wants to be a woman. They exist together, not separately. I want both worlds. I feel like I need them both. I love my female friends so much. I have a few close male friends and only three I feel completely comfortable around. Some just because I don’t know them that well, the rest because their masculinity frightens me.

    How would you feel if you felt scared of how you felt? Terrified that you would be cut off from family and friends. Not everyone. But enough that generally you're fearful of existence. Some of you do. We bear witness to each other silently then.

    When I was sixteen a ran away to California, Hollywood to be exact. Because if you're going to be fucking stupid, you might as well go total stupid. Nothing terrible happened for nearly a week. I had some great adventures and met some very interesting people. But then I was conned by a man pretending to want to help me. Nope. I ended up raped by him and then had to stay with him until my parents came to get me. I'll detail that story some other time.

    So that really set my mind in an odd place. I tried to kill myself about a month or two after I got back home. I was always interested in girls. But I really enjoyed being around my gay friends and found my other male friends difficult to cope with because of the overt masculinity they felt they needed to exert. No fault of their own mind you. Society and hormones got them there. But I didn't feel like that. I felt outside of both groups, men and women. 

    With women I felt comfortable and at ease to have, and talk, about feelings. I was attracted to them as well. Awkward at times to be sure. But I always did my best to stay in the bounds of friendship. I loved intimacy with them. I just wanted to be absorbed and to feel like they did. But the rape made things in my own mind so weird. I pushed for more intimate relations with women. I wanted to see if I was gay or not. I'm still sorting out my feelings from that time.

    So much later on I realized I was bisexual. And on the Kinsey Scale I'm not sure if I'm really in the middle or what. You see, that rape has stopped me cold in my tracks when it comes to my attraction to men. It's there. I fantasize about both men and women. But I want something equal with someone like minded. Someone bisexual who is tender and passionate when it comes to sex. Someone who can touch as they are touched, give pleasure as equally as given. Someone secure and not jealous of gender or sex. Because I think I just need to heal still from my past and never given myself a chance.

    So, who am I? I do know but I don't let myself out like I should. And I really need to. It's really a tough thing to do. But I am getting there. I am making strides further into my own future. Maybe one day I'll get there and it will be as relaxed as I imagine.